its about that time

So its taken a very long time to figure out what I was going to say in this and I have decided that its best to just keep it somewhat short. for the past couple weeks I've gone through a really hard time had a couple health concerns that so far have turned out to be nothing about a year ago something happened to me that I never thought would. I was carless at that point in my life about myself and I have had to suffer the consequences of it ever since I felt like garbage for something that was only partially my fault, I know I'm being cryptic about this but its not something I want put on the internet I will elaborate if asked about it but I don't want it out there for everyone and there mother to read. Anyways I was very scared and quit talking to everyone basically for three or four days and for that I'm truely sorry toeveryone that reads this on a daily basis but I am trying to take some time for myself and my daughter and have come to realize how short life really is I never thought I would start worrying about my bad habits soo soon I usually smoke a pack of ciggarettes a day and now I'm in the process of quitting I now only some one a day if that I tried quitting cold turkey but it only lasted three days so im doing the best that I can at this point. But I was extremely stressed out and dissapointed in myself very down and depressed ive never been as depressed as I was in the last few weeks. I was extremely overwhelmed. With ben coming home jesse pulling a lot of crap and my health and ex friends of mine stirring things up it was just too much I hit my breaking point. With the help of my soon to be husband both my mom mother in law and close friends I have somewhat over came everything but now look at life a lot differently I believe that everything I went through beings though I'm completely fine was a sign that I need to start taking better care of myself not only for myself but for my daughter don't get me wrong I'm not a horrible person I don't do drugs or anything like that but I have a serious line of cancer in my family and it took me being extremely scared to realize that It could happen to me as well. I went through a rollercoaster of emotions. I know I'm jumping around a lot don't mean to confuse anyone sorry if i am its unintentional but I've come to realize that when people say you lean from your mistakes they leave out the part where your mistakes can be life threatening and hurt other people you love I don't plan on dieing young I don't plan on not being there to watch my daughter grow up and start herlife I don't plan on being another example of a horrible mistake. Words cannot discribe this epiphany that I have experienced I just know that this had to be Gods way of warning me that I need to start living my life a little better I feel very strongly about it. My daughter means Everything to me I was more scared of everything for her than I was for myself. I hope I can accomplish my new goals rather soon I'm doing my best and change does not happen overnight but I fel like I'm making progress. I hope me changing now is not too late and that this is my second chance that I'm forgiven. I was planning on breaking this down into details but I have decided no too because its just a little too personal and I'm still going through it but it will come out in pieces keep checking in and u will understand I promise but its almost two thirty a.m and I need to get some rest more updating tomorrow thanks to everyone who prayed hard for me anf everyone that supports me I love you guys u never will know what you have done for me u guys mean a lot to me but goodnight for now.......

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